Advena, 2017 (Pt.1 of the series "A tribute to the searchers"

1912, Paris

Vivre sans aimer n’est pas proprement vivre

The two of us lived everyday by that one string of thought. I lived through it, saw what it meant but alas only once for a brief moment. We conquered the tower together at a time when no one should have been there. The moon shined rays which acted as a spotlight shining only on her and I. Everything else faded, only her and I remained in a vast abyss. Her dark brown eyes captivated my horizont, as soon as I came to grips of my whereabouts I was lost again. I thought to myself “What’s an angel doing with this deluded soul?”. The city of light appeared to be shining just for the two of us. As we gazed to the lights that were making the night an unwelcome guest she looked into my eyes and said “Entre deux coeurs qui s’aiment, nul besoin de paroles”. She placed her head on my shoulder and all of a sudden the stars began talking. Every thought I had was there in range of a grasp. I never felt so secure seeing my demons floating helplessly. I never felt so free as I did that night. I glanced at Nina one more time before I gave myself to the stars. She fell asleep right there and then. I had all the time in the world to think. What is love? No, seriously what is it? I kept asking myself that half the night begging the stars for the answer. A simple glance did me right, they say an image is a thousand words. One glance offered ten thousand. The answer was in the stars, as is every single one. I begged a response from the stars who gave us light. What is this I am feeling? Could this be it? A chirp of a bird was my answer. It could have been it. We slept through the night under that star lit sky. The morning sun woke the both of us up with a ray reserved just for the two of us. Nothing beats the feeling of an abstract emotion coming real for just that one perfect moment then to feel it fade into obscurity once again. We saw no point in trying to recreate it, in that moment at least. As we went our sepperate ways she looked into my soul and said "Aurevoir pour maintenant mon amour". My internal kompas knew not up from down. For the first time I sat down on a nearby bench and started to wonder as to what is all of this. Knowing abstract from real was now the biggest challange I had to face.  From a recollection of a past I found that this might be real. I became weightless with only my thoughts anchoring me to the ground. How pure bliss and thought went away with the wind that caressed us in the first place. “Je t’appelle demand” she said, not knowing the weight it bore on me. I said a prayer to myself “Oh god, my god let this last for just that one second that whisked away that night before”. She never did. Like the wind she went away along with my heart that I had pawned for a good ride. Took away the soul which I bound for her affection. Like a drug taking me over, a bad trip consumed my mind causing me to see her in every thought of mine. A note on the radio took be back to the night when the stars were at a fingers grasp. How could one throw all of it away in such a manner. How could one take from me what made me into what I am. I gave myself, I did. Without a second thought I made the call on a hunch which seemed to be in range of a grasp. I needed to get away, away from the place where my demise was met. Away from the things that took me back there. A cafe where most of my life found it’s place on the bottom of a cup of coffee. A place where my thoughts could find some abstract thing to bother. Somewhere away from the pain and agony. I saw her there. As beautiful as a fall’s rain washing the pain of yesterday. With a man I didn’t know was enemy soon to be made. In my mind she still had me in her hands. The principle I set fourth, a promise I made to myself never to let go. A wedding vow I made to myself in a way. Selfishly thinking I would seconded. The cigarettes in my pocket asking me to light them all at once in an attempt to ease my racing mind and the heart which has fallen out of place. She turned around and locked eyes with my soul in an instant. A look inviting me for the same wild ride that brought me here in the first place. Her friend dissapeared as I blinked twice into thin air, I suppose. The whiskey he left behind lured my senses in with the promise of comfort for the heart pounding with fear and anxiety. She stood on the back exit door with that look in her eyes that said „You don't have anything to fear“. I foolishly took her hand in the vain of hoping that all the pain I endrued for love would be set true. She led me to an overlook where Paris shined like a sun into my eyes. She took my head into her arms and kissed me with the words „aurevoir mon amor“. A flash of light consumed my sight and I found myself on the same overlook with a bottle of scotch in my hands and a few questions in my mind. All that pain, was that what love was? Was the emotion of your blood boiling inside you when you see a manifestation of love in a person really the feeling that we all crave? All's fair in love and war until someone goes unscaved, then the rules change and the game gets harder and harder. You might say it isn't worth it, but in the end we're all addicted to it, we're all addicted one way or another. Pain was never felt for a more beautiful cause, with the flash that hit me being the city of love and light.

-          Advena, Zlatan Šehić, 2017 (Pt.1 of the series „A tribute to the searchers“)